birthday blues

i miss my long hair again.

it's one of those days where i am longing for comfort, a sense of belonging.
long to feel known, safe, assured, and really really liked. not just loved...liked.
i am turning 27 soon, and while i love my birthday...sometimes too much...i want to be a kid again.

i want to go back in time where my whole world is inside one cul-de-sac.
go back to where playing with stuffed animals and barbies was enough for the day.
go back to being told what to do, when to go to bed, and feeling safe and controlled.
where we would get put to bed before the sun set and watch the bigger kids playing, longing for the day we could stay up late, drive, have a boyfriend, etc.
...you know cool, older kid stuff.

now i am an older kid, and i want to be back there.

it never leaves me alone.
longing for anywhere and anything i am not.
it's exhausting, frankly.
and i want it to die.
i want to know He is enough.
really know it.
so deep in my soul, it is undeniable.

He's promised to sustain me.
comfort me. love me. heal me.
help me. be enough. my bread. my water.
my everything.
so why do deny Him that role in my heart, mind, body, soul?
why do i drink from my own broken cisterns?
and starve myself once again?

the fall of mankind.
my own brokenness and need to hide my naked self behind leaves, branches, trees
keeps this cycle going.

so once again...

i lift my eyes up to the moutains
where does my help come from?
my help comes from the Lord,
maker of heaven and earth.
psalm121:1-2

john mayer and rest.

it's october.
my favorite month.
it feels different outside, which is a nice breath of fresh air...so to speak.

it is the legit beginning of fall, which means john mayer and hoodies make their grand entrance into my life. i'm a summer gal, tried and true, but there is something so special about fall.
october is my birthday month, thus the magic i find myself wrapped up in.
fall brings reflection and introspection. quiet and calm partner with expectation and a tad bit of tension.
why, i am not sure. but it does. every year.
maybe it's the impending doom that is winter mixed with the beautiful sound of rustling leaves.

i feel introspective like no other lately.
what's going on in my heart, my life, my mind, body, and soul.
they all feel quiet and tense.
it's the feeling of waiting.

waiting.
is.
hard.

but waiting is good, they say.
once again...whoever "they" are.
i know they are right, though.
you have to wait 9 months to birth a baby.
if you decided you were impatient and ready for new life to appear at 3 months....
well, new life would not stay new life long.
waiting is important, this i am sure.
and i can be patient.
but gracious, i tend to despise the chill that comes with it.

i've been wondering, all over again, what the point is.
if i am to wait, i need to know that "baby" promised is worth it.
sometimes, i don't feel sure of that.
other times, i would die for it.

my prayer, my dear need, is to find rest there.
rest in the wondering, the waiting, the feeling that it might not be worth it. and the assurance that it is.
give me rest in the blazing sun, rest in the mystic of autumn, rest in the dark and sometimes cruel cold, rest in the rain and roses.

yes, rest.
and john mayer.

happiness

happiness has such a negative connotation in the christian world.
joy is the sustainable thing and happiness is unreliable.
i believe in happiness, though.
she is the outcome of joy. the sister to joy.
much needed and sought after.
and she is attainable.

i read this blog today on happiness.
(thepositivityblog.com to be exact)


it gives 7 things that can keep you from happiness.
and i agree.

1. aiming for perfection
2. living in a sea of negative voices
3. getting stuck in the past and future too much.
4. comparing yourself and your life to others and their lives.
5. focusing on the negative details in life.
6. limiting life because you believe the world revolves around you.
7. overcomplicating life.

something great

it's a new season.
time to move forward.
i can feel it.
i can feel the laziness in my bones.
can feel the desperate attempts to cling to comfort and ease.
can feel it so deep.
but i can also feel the stirring.
the restlessness of staying still.
staying the same.
never growing. never moving.
it makes one feel a bit crazy inside.

time to move forward.
it's scary.
terrifying.
tiring to even think of.
but so good.

because i want to be a part of something great.
something set apart.
something that is different.
something that gives up the good for something great.

give me the grace...to open the door

i need to remember some things God has done in the desert...
1. met me in edmond. set me free.
2. He let me rest in His perfect peace and joy immediately. no earning it.
3. brought people into my life in fort collins for my support and encouragement.
4. answered multiple prayers very very quickly.
5. gave me a clear vision of my near future. what to do where to go.
6. taught me multiple lessons on myself and how to live being me.
7. provided financially for wrecking annas car and for my root canal and crown. He's in charge of perfect timing.
8. let me experience restoration and redemption with my brother and sister.
9. forgive and love me even though ive already given into temptation of my past.
10. shown me growth and maturity have happened even if i sometimes feel like im living on square one.
11. by His grace... there's still more gardening being done in this desert im in.

replacement is better than removal

people tend to call me weird. and strange. and sometimes crazy...
my desire was to let these comments slide right off my back or even better
to take them as compliments no matter what the original intentions were.
i did a pretty good job of the latter for quite a bit. BUT it was still like i was trying...
God has been so wonderfully faithful to tell me who i am. His princess...His wonderfully weird creation.
and i believed it. but then the comments seemed to come tenfold. and the enemy used this as means
to remind me of how i used to feel about myself. why i hated who i truly am and became a depressed
boring "regular" person. because other people see me as weird.
the other night...after having a long stressful week i collapsed under the weight.
God's faithfulness remained though.
i called my dad.
i broke down and told him how i felt. how people's words still hurt and how i knew the devil was trying to
get me to believe the old stupid lies. and i couldnt stand much longer.
he said let's pray char.
He prayed a very simple powerful prayer.
He asked God to replace my feelings in response to people calling me weird.
He told the old attachments that came with the word weird to go and replaced them with the JOY of the Lord
because i am weird. and God LOVES that.
After this he said amen...and then..."char you are WEIRD!"
i laughed the most ridiculous laugh and couldnt stop for quite a while.
isn't God beautiful??
replacement of my emotion is way better than removal of words!
not only am i a princess...i get to be a weird thing of God!!


"for the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength."
1. Corinthians 1:25

and i didn't think i liked cats...

so curiosity killed the cat
i am not sure i agree with that
i think this is a saying gone wrong
i think we should be curious for however long
it takes to plunge head first
into the unknown water that quenches thirst
i am curious to know what it could be
if i truly found the end of me
what would it look like...where would i end?
but i am not yet curious enough to bend
they make it a warning, those silly "they"
if that cat only stuck to the normal way
it would be so safe it would be so sound
it would not be buried underground
ah but the sad little kittens who follow the norm
they have no curiosity, will they ever transform?
i never am quite satisfied my oh so curious soul
i am quite grateful for this pushes me to the goal
i am curious to know how deep i can live
how much He would show me, how much He would give
He promises an outpouring, He promises even more than that
oh how i forever wish to be curious as a cat!