Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
no power means only His power!
the power is completely out in my car.
nothing.
tried jumping it.
nothing.
this is how ive felt the last two days.
nothing.
the only things ive had the energy to do is weakly cry out to God.
and even then a bit desperately. almost in fear i was left alone.
the car thing is painful especially since i just dealt with a car issue (that God totally and completely provided for).
BUT. this very trial is the realization of my internal issue.
when the power goes out i need to tap into the source.
the only thing that is my strength.
life i funny. my life is funny.
my faith is going to be tested over and over, but this is what develops perseverance and perseverance must finish its course so i wont lack anything.
mmmmmmmmm.
weird that im grateful my car is powerless.
nothing.
tried jumping it.
nothing.
this is how ive felt the last two days.
nothing.
the only things ive had the energy to do is weakly cry out to God.
and even then a bit desperately. almost in fear i was left alone.
the car thing is painful especially since i just dealt with a car issue (that God totally and completely provided for).
BUT. this very trial is the realization of my internal issue.
when the power goes out i need to tap into the source.
the only thing that is my strength.
life i funny. my life is funny.
my faith is going to be tested over and over, but this is what develops perseverance and perseverance must finish its course so i wont lack anything.
mmmmmmmmm.
weird that im grateful my car is powerless.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
who im meant to be...
im a typically nice person.
but i noticed today that when i start to get confident in me at all:
i lose who i was meant to be.
my patience with people tends to be really low.
but im still nice.
i feel this rushed feeling of getting through conversations and interactions
only to rush through the next one.
yet im still nice.
i dont really want to be nice anymore.
i want to be the charlsey God created me to be.
where ive been nailed to the cross with Jesus and am a living, breathing vessel of LOVE.
love isnt just nice...
it's patient. kind. it doesn't envy. it doesn't boast. it isn't rude, proud, easily angered. it's not self seeking nor does it keep any record of wrongs. it rejoices with the truth and always protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres.
man a whole lot more than nice. and what i desire.
i can't do these things: be these things.
i can only be nice and smile on my own.
thats too skin deep now. i want to be soul deep.
how did i even let two days go by without being with the One that will fill me up with these things? that will abundantly pour His love into me that can only overflow into others...
i dont know. but i will remember this moment. where the disgust i feel for myself morphs into a passionate craving for the Love of my life to be all that i cannot.
i dont understant it all. but how lucky i am that all i need to do is die...
and once again be who i am meant to be.
but i noticed today that when i start to get confident in me at all:
i lose who i was meant to be.
my patience with people tends to be really low.
but im still nice.
i feel this rushed feeling of getting through conversations and interactions
only to rush through the next one.
yet im still nice.
i dont really want to be nice anymore.
i want to be the charlsey God created me to be.
where ive been nailed to the cross with Jesus and am a living, breathing vessel of LOVE.
love isnt just nice...
it's patient. kind. it doesn't envy. it doesn't boast. it isn't rude, proud, easily angered. it's not self seeking nor does it keep any record of wrongs. it rejoices with the truth and always protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres.
man a whole lot more than nice. and what i desire.
i can't do these things: be these things.
i can only be nice and smile on my own.
thats too skin deep now. i want to be soul deep.
how did i even let two days go by without being with the One that will fill me up with these things? that will abundantly pour His love into me that can only overflow into others...
i dont know. but i will remember this moment. where the disgust i feel for myself morphs into a passionate craving for the Love of my life to be all that i cannot.
i dont understant it all. but how lucky i am that all i need to do is die...
and once again be who i am meant to be.
Friday, February 27, 2009
a bit risky
"If we want the true revelation of the testimony of Jesus to manifest in our ministry, then we must be willing to live in HIS truth in our own hearts."
No desire to be “right”
No fear of man - being motivated by people pleasing
No personal agendas of spiritual success
No offense at humiliation - We’ve died to our own life, remember?
my mom sent me this. it originally came from my friend chris who has made a huge impact in my life.
this is a bit risky i decided. if im 100% sure that i want to rid myself and let Jesus reign in me...these things are key.
no desire to be right: im a bit scared to not hear what God wants me to say. im nervous that when im wrong that could mean ive lost my connection to Him. that im once again operating out of charlsey and not out of my sweet lover's heart. Pride is also a demon on my back because if i lose my right to be right that could mean i would have to humble myself to not care. to not hold on to this fleshly desire to be just as a smart if not smarter than people. to hold my ground and defend myself because i dont want to be counted as worthless in what i have to say. but Jesus operated out of love and love gives up its rights anyway...so if im dead to myself my rights of wanting to be right hold no ground. thats gone with the rest of me.
no fear of man: geez...now this is probably the scariest of all. i have always cared what people think of me. am i good enough? am i the charlsey that they want me to be? i like peace so sometimes going as far as to change who i am to keep everything the way it "should be". pretty much im not one to rock the boat. while Jesus loved peace to...he never acted out of a fear of what man had to say in response to Truth. His perfect Truth. sharing God's Truth might mean i end up being the weird one. it might mean i speak God's love and someone's reaction isnt what sits well with me. It could mean I have to experience a losing of myself in every moment otherwise typical charlsey would be torn to shreds because of that fear of what others think. dying seems the best choice because i want to be a vessel. God will take care of my heart anyway for it's His.
no personal agendas of spritual success: this is a tricky one... my first reaction is no big deal there! i'm pretty much a baby. drinking the spiritual milk that God gives me daily. i have no clue as to what i'm doing and just expect God to use me when He wants because i'm in agreement with Him. but i already know comparing yourself with others sneaks in pretty quickly. If you see one person hearing from God all the time and you arent experiencing Him in the same way or the same amount you can begin to doubt yourself or worse God's intentions. My aunt said this to me a while ago and i read it in my journal a couple days ago: "the world need who God is- in and through you uniquely. God has different ways of sharing Himself to others. each person is unique and necessary for the kingdom of heaven to be brought here. He's given us all different gifts. He loves each of us so personally and intensely. The spritual ladder of success dies when we once again die. We should never compare ourselves to others. We should encourage and work together using our different talents and giftings from God.
no offenses at humiliation: this one goes along with the fear of man one...because humiliation comes from others typically. theyre reactions create in us some sort of feeling. which could be humiliation. Jesus' life was filled with humiliation from others. His death was humiliation itself. Remember we have died on the cross with Him. that humiliation is already ours. no offense at it though for as Paul said "consider it PURE JOY whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking ANYTHING." James 1:2-4
So to realize its a joy to die to yourself and let Him shine through you is enough. more than enough.
Im beginning to embrace that my reward really isn't here. my eternal reward is what keeps me running this race.
So forgive me for my rambling for as I wrote this it was being anchored in my own heart.
His way was never said to be easy...just wonderful, good, rewarding, freeing, peaceful, joyful, and full of LIFE!
Peace to the heart of anyone who reads this!
No desire to be “right”
No fear of man - being motivated by people pleasing
No personal agendas of spiritual success
No offense at humiliation - We’ve died to our own life, remember?
my mom sent me this. it originally came from my friend chris who has made a huge impact in my life.
this is a bit risky i decided. if im 100% sure that i want to rid myself and let Jesus reign in me...these things are key.
no desire to be right: im a bit scared to not hear what God wants me to say. im nervous that when im wrong that could mean ive lost my connection to Him. that im once again operating out of charlsey and not out of my sweet lover's heart. Pride is also a demon on my back because if i lose my right to be right that could mean i would have to humble myself to not care. to not hold on to this fleshly desire to be just as a smart if not smarter than people. to hold my ground and defend myself because i dont want to be counted as worthless in what i have to say. but Jesus operated out of love and love gives up its rights anyway...so if im dead to myself my rights of wanting to be right hold no ground. thats gone with the rest of me.
no fear of man: geez...now this is probably the scariest of all. i have always cared what people think of me. am i good enough? am i the charlsey that they want me to be? i like peace so sometimes going as far as to change who i am to keep everything the way it "should be". pretty much im not one to rock the boat. while Jesus loved peace to...he never acted out of a fear of what man had to say in response to Truth. His perfect Truth. sharing God's Truth might mean i end up being the weird one. it might mean i speak God's love and someone's reaction isnt what sits well with me. It could mean I have to experience a losing of myself in every moment otherwise typical charlsey would be torn to shreds because of that fear of what others think. dying seems the best choice because i want to be a vessel. God will take care of my heart anyway for it's His.
no personal agendas of spritual success: this is a tricky one... my first reaction is no big deal there! i'm pretty much a baby. drinking the spiritual milk that God gives me daily. i have no clue as to what i'm doing and just expect God to use me when He wants because i'm in agreement with Him. but i already know comparing yourself with others sneaks in pretty quickly. If you see one person hearing from God all the time and you arent experiencing Him in the same way or the same amount you can begin to doubt yourself or worse God's intentions. My aunt said this to me a while ago and i read it in my journal a couple days ago: "the world need who God is- in and through you uniquely. God has different ways of sharing Himself to others. each person is unique and necessary for the kingdom of heaven to be brought here. He's given us all different gifts. He loves each of us so personally and intensely. The spritual ladder of success dies when we once again die. We should never compare ourselves to others. We should encourage and work together using our different talents and giftings from God.
no offenses at humiliation: this one goes along with the fear of man one...because humiliation comes from others typically. theyre reactions create in us some sort of feeling. which could be humiliation. Jesus' life was filled with humiliation from others. His death was humiliation itself. Remember we have died on the cross with Him. that humiliation is already ours. no offense at it though for as Paul said "consider it PURE JOY whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking ANYTHING." James 1:2-4
So to realize its a joy to die to yourself and let Him shine through you is enough. more than enough.
Im beginning to embrace that my reward really isn't here. my eternal reward is what keeps me running this race.
So forgive me for my rambling for as I wrote this it was being anchored in my own heart.
His way was never said to be easy...just wonderful, good, rewarding, freeing, peaceful, joyful, and full of LIFE!
Peace to the heart of anyone who reads this!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
"i see it now. you think times have lengths. a night is always a night whatever you do in it, as from this tree to that is always so many paces wether you take them quickly or slowly. i suppose that is true in a way. But the waves do not always come at equal distances. i see that you come from a wise world...if this is wise. i have never done it before-stepping out of life into the Alongside and looking at oneself living as if one were not alive. do they all do that in your world?"
mmm reading this made me realize how true it is that we humans tend to live alongside life.
we must live within time but it should never control us. the present is all we have. taking it as one takes a wave...trusting the whole time that God is leading and loving us. this moment is God's moment.
i dont want to live alongside my life anymore. it's time for us to ride the waves with our Savior.
He's waiting for us to accept the adventure at hand.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
manna cake
so im definitely in a new phase of life.
one that most definitely tests my trust that God will provide my daily bread.
because i seem to see a cake a little distance off but He wants me to hunger for the
manna being sent from Him right now. Cake might seem a lot better to me but manna will truly
be the one thing that satisfies me currently. Heavenly bread that ive been hungering for my whole
life. and now im receiving mass quantities of it. so why do i want the cake?
the cake im seeing is manna cake with pretty frosting. its just not time for my stomach to digest the frosting yet : ) He's got it perfectly planned to where as i eat His manna it prepares me for manna cake. so currently i will dip His tasty manna into the delicious honey that comes with it.
did i not mention the honey? He's an abundant lover. He knows what the manna should taste like for me in every phase...every situation... Sometimes the manna comes with ranch too. Thats a completely different wonderful. He knows i love ranch. He's also excited with me for the moment i will enjoy the manna cake. that might have ranch on it too... im not sure.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
in the little things...
okay i have a cool little story followed by a sales pitch.
there is this sweet lady i work with named angie. she came up to me at work the other day and said she had just
read this book called The Shack and asked if id like to read it.
i was skeptical but when i read the back i thought well this could be good.
well i read it and wow. i haven't had God speak to me through a "fiction" book like that since i was
12 years old through a book called Blessed Child.
Seriously impacted my world. i came out from it more in wonder of my lover and savior.
i came out with a deeper feeling of loyalty and allegiance to Him. i came out altered once again. it was like God used the book to push me in deeper. and once again im so honored. i can only repsond this way because He moves me. He loves me. truly amazing.
back at work after i finished the book i went up to angie and said ummm thank you soo much. this book was
perfect timing. she kinda laughed and shook her head and said "oh good. yea...i didnt know why but i just felt like i should give it to you after i read it."
haha.
and this my friends...this nudging from the Lord to angie to give me the book...is just another little thing that makes my world. He's always in the little things. but they're bigger than little id say.
so sales pitch: if you like to read story-like books. read The Shack and find out why i put fiction in quotes.
another book recommendation: Blessed Child.
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