Tuesday, October 8, 2013

birthday blues

i miss my long hair again.

it's one of those days where i am longing for comfort, a sense of belonging.
long to feel known, safe, assured, and really really liked. not just loved...liked.
i am turning 27 soon, and while i love my birthday...sometimes too much...i want to be a kid again.

i want to go back in time where my whole world is inside one cul-de-sac.
go back to where playing with stuffed animals and barbies was enough for the day.
go back to being told what to do, when to go to bed, and feeling safe and controlled.
where we would get put to bed before the sun set and watch the bigger kids playing, longing for the day we could stay up late, drive, have a boyfriend, etc.
...you know cool, older kid stuff.

now i am an older kid, and i want to be back there.

it never leaves me alone.
longing for anywhere and anything i am not.
it's exhausting, frankly.
and i want it to die.
i want to know He is enough.
really know it.
so deep in my soul, it is undeniable.

He's promised to sustain me.
comfort me. love me. heal me.
help me. be enough. my bread. my water.
my everything.
so why do deny Him that role in my heart, mind, body, soul?
why do i drink from my own broken cisterns?
and starve myself once again?

the fall of mankind.
my own brokenness and need to hide my naked self behind leaves, branches, trees
keeps this cycle going.

so once again...

i lift my eyes up to the moutains
where does my help come from?
my help comes from the Lord,
maker of heaven and earth.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

john mayer and rest.

it's october.
my favorite month.
it feels different outside, which is a nice breath of fresh air...so to speak.

it is the legit beginning of fall, which means john mayer and hoodies make their grand entrance into my life. i'm a summer gal, tried and true, but there is something so special about fall.
october is my birthday month, thus the magic i find myself wrapped up in.
fall brings reflection and introspection. quiet and calm partner with expectation and a tad bit of tension.
why, i am not sure. but it does. every year.
maybe it's the impending doom that is winter mixed with the beautiful sound of rustling leaves.

i feel introspective like no other lately.
what's going on in my heart, my life, my mind, body, and soul.
they all feel quiet and tense.
it's the feeling of waiting.


but waiting is good, they say.
once again...whoever "they" are.
i know they are right, though.
you have to wait 9 months to birth a baby.
if you decided you were impatient and ready for new life to appear at 3 months....
well, new life would not stay new life long.
waiting is important, this i am sure.
and i can be patient.
but gracious, i tend to despise the chill that comes with it.

i've been wondering, all over again, what the point is.
if i am to wait, i need to know that "baby" promised is worth it.
sometimes, i don't feel sure of that.
other times, i would die for it.

my prayer, my dear need, is to find rest there.
rest in the wondering, the waiting, the feeling that it might not be worth it. and the assurance that it is.
give me rest in the blazing sun, rest in the mystic of autumn, rest in the dark and sometimes cruel cold, rest in the rain and roses.

yes, rest.
and john mayer.