give me the grace...to open the door

i need to remember some things God has done in the desert...
1. met me in edmond. set me free.
2. He let me rest in His perfect peace and joy immediately. no earning it.
3. brought people into my life in fort collins for my support and encouragement.
4. answered multiple prayers very very quickly.
5. gave me a clear vision of my near future. what to do where to go.
6. taught me multiple lessons on myself and how to live being me.
7. provided financially for wrecking annas car and for my root canal and crown. He's in charge of perfect timing.
8. let me experience restoration and redemption with my brother and sister.
9. forgive and love me even though ive already given into temptation of my past.
10. shown me growth and maturity have happened even if i sometimes feel like im living on square one.
11. by His grace... there's still more gardening being done in this desert im in.

replacement is better than removal

people tend to call me weird. and strange. and sometimes crazy...
my desire was to let these comments slide right off my back or even better
to take them as compliments no matter what the original intentions were.
i did a pretty good job of the latter for quite a bit. BUT it was still like i was trying...
God has been so wonderfully faithful to tell me who i am. His princess...His wonderfully weird creation.
and i believed it. but then the comments seemed to come tenfold. and the enemy used this as means
to remind me of how i used to feel about myself. why i hated who i truly am and became a depressed
boring "regular" person. because other people see me as weird.
the other night...after having a long stressful week i collapsed under the weight.
God's faithfulness remained though.
i called my dad.
i broke down and told him how i felt. how people's words still hurt and how i knew the devil was trying to
get me to believe the old stupid lies. and i couldnt stand much longer.
he said let's pray char.
He prayed a very simple powerful prayer.
He asked God to replace my feelings in response to people calling me weird.
He told the old attachments that came with the word weird to go and replaced them with the JOY of the Lord
because i am weird. and God LOVES that.
After this he said amen...and then..."char you are WEIRD!"
i laughed the most ridiculous laugh and couldnt stop for quite a while.
isn't God beautiful??
replacement of my emotion is way better than removal of words!
not only am i a princess...i get to be a weird thing of God!!


"for the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength."
1. Corinthians 1:25

and i didn't think i liked cats...

so curiosity killed the cat
i am not sure i agree with that
i think this is a saying gone wrong
i think we should be curious for however long
it takes to plunge head first
into the unknown water that quenches thirst
i am curious to know what it could be
if i truly found the end of me
what would it look like...where would i end?
but i am not yet curious enough to bend
they make it a warning, those silly "they"
if that cat only stuck to the normal way
it would be so safe it would be so sound
it would not be buried underground
ah but the sad little kittens who follow the norm
they have no curiosity, will they ever transform?
i never am quite satisfied my oh so curious soul
i am quite grateful for this pushes me to the goal
i am curious to know how deep i can live
how much He would show me, how much He would give
He promises an outpouring, He promises even more than that
oh how i forever wish to be curious as a cat!

Lots of good words start with R

i must speak of a certain favorite holiday of mine..
this holiday is national marijuana day!!!!
april 20th.
it has a new name. and it is very wordy indeed.
revelation-restoration-rehabilitation-revolution day!!!!
(the letter R just isn't given enough credit in the alphabet...)
really thats the year's name. 2009 is the year of the 4 R's.
but 4/20 was a beautiful reminder of this.
Joy and unearthly energy were abundant in my soul all day long!
mmmm...my God is abundant.
I learned a lesson when asked to smoke a bowl about temptation and leaving your past behind. saying no is a rather difficult thing when a feeling of missing the past hits because of the pretty disguised box it comes in.
mmm...my God never gives me more than i can handle and the devil really does flee when you resist him.
i watched the sun set (complete with gorgeous colors) while God restored my sister and i's relationship over the phone.
mmmmm...RESTORATION of a relationship set up by God that satan had crippled by lies for too many years. man. i could talk about this all night. im just soooo stoked! amy leigh. man. my heart could burst from God's love that restored our relationship to something so beautiful. im honored. should i use the word restored again? God restored my relationship with my sister!!!!! haha!
in closing...4/20 was a day of many things but its effects recharged my soul!
another R.
to continue the revolution thats already begun!
and today was refreshing by the way...
revelation
rehabilitation
restoration
revolution
recharging
refreshment
God wants us to experience the letter R. that's a fact : )

my shoes

i have had this pair of moccasins since junior year in high school. ive worn them at least 6 days a week every week since then. no joke. i know they're just shoes but they have been a trusty companion for 6 years on a daily basis. 

they started unraveling today. 

they're comfy. lasted for quite a while. been a friend of sorts.

im kinda emotional about it almost.

hard to let go of something you rely on even if it's shoes.

this is interesting timing for a few reasons...

i feel like my jump on what could look like the big curly slide at big splash started my junior year. 

its been a crazy twisted downward spiral since then. but then i reached the end and landed in a wonderfully welcoming deep pool of refreshing water this past fall. its been 6 months of being in this body of water.

and now shoes ive worn 6 days a week, for 6 years...started unraveling 6 months after God dunked me.

weird.

i think im gunna get baptized again. 

and i think it's time for new shoes.

maybe water proof ones.

i am not my own

i have nothing left to lose.

He has captured my heart completely.

He holds it in His hands.

i am not my own.

He bought me with a price.

His life. 

but the day we choose to remember Him completing His grace

in a couple days

i feel Him calling me once again

come die once again

those last dependencies

the last comfortable dwellings

the last of pointless clinging to things

in this world

pick up your cross

come follow me

i have nothing left to lose.

"if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me"

so be it.

this moment

loved fiercelyl

no power means only His power!

the power is completely out in my car.
nothing.
tried jumping it.
nothing.
this is how ive felt the last two days.
nothing.
the only things ive had the energy to do is weakly cry out to God.
and even then a bit desperately. almost in fear i was left alone.
the car thing is painful especially since i just dealt with a car issue (that God totally and completely provided for).
BUT. this very trial is the realization of my internal issue.
when the power goes out i need to tap into the source.
the only thing that is my strength.
life i funny. my life is funny.
my faith is going to be tested over and over, but this is what develops perseverance and perseverance must finish its course so i wont lack anything.
mmmmmmmmm.
weird that im grateful my car is powerless.

who im meant to be...

im a typically nice person.
but i noticed today that when i start to get confident in me at all:
i lose who i was meant to be.
my patience with people tends to be really low.
but im still nice.
i feel this rushed feeling of getting through conversations and interactions
only to rush through the next one.
yet im still nice.
i dont really want to be nice anymore.
i want to be the charlsey God created me to be.
where ive been nailed to the cross with Jesus and am a living, breathing vessel of LOVE.
love isnt just nice...
it's patient. kind. it doesn't envy. it doesn't boast. it isn't rude, proud, easily angered. it's not self seeking nor does it keep any record of wrongs. it rejoices with the truth and always protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres.
man a whole lot more than nice. and what i desire.
i can't do these things: be these things.
i can only be nice and smile on my own.
thats too skin deep now. i want to be soul deep.
how did i even let two days go by without being with the One that will fill me up with these things? that will abundantly pour His love into me that can only overflow into others...
i dont know. but i will remember this moment. where the disgust i feel for myself morphs into a passionate craving for the Love of my life to be all that i cannot.
i dont understant it all. but how lucky i am that all i need to do is die...
and once again be who i am meant to be.

a bit risky

"If we want the true revelation of the testimony of Jesus to manifest in our ministry, then we must be willing to live in HIS truth in our own hearts."
No desire to be “right”
No fear of man - being motivated by people pleasing
No personal agendas of spiritual success
No offense at humiliation - We’ve died to our own life, remember?

my mom sent me this. it originally came from my friend chris who has made a huge impact in my life.
this is a bit risky i decided. if im 100% sure that i want to rid myself and let Jesus reign in me...these things are key.

no desire to be right: im a bit scared to not hear what God wants me to say. im nervous that when im wrong that could mean ive lost my connection to Him. that im once again operating out of charlsey and not out of my sweet lover's heart. Pride is also a demon on my back because if i lose my right to be right that could mean i would have to humble myself to not care. to not hold on to this fleshly desire to be just as a smart if not smarter than people. to hold my ground and defend myself because i dont want to be counted as worthless in what i have to say. but Jesus operated out of love and love gives up its rights anyway...so if im dead to myself my rights of wanting to be right hold no ground. thats gone with the rest of me.

no fear of man: geez...now this is probably the scariest of all. i have always cared what people think of me. am i good enough? am i the charlsey that they want me to be? i like peace so sometimes going as far as to change who i am to keep everything the way it "should be". pretty much im not one to rock the boat. while Jesus loved peace to...he never acted out of a fear of what man had to say in response to Truth. His perfect Truth. sharing God's Truth might mean i end up being the weird one. it might mean i speak God's love and someone's reaction isnt what sits well with me. It could mean I have to experience a losing of myself in every moment otherwise typical charlsey would be torn to shreds because of that fear of what others think. dying seems the best choice because i want to be a vessel. God will take care of my heart anyway for it's His.

no personal agendas of spritual success: this is a tricky one... my first reaction is no big deal there! i'm pretty much a baby. drinking the spiritual milk that God gives me daily. i have no clue as to what i'm doing and just expect God to use me when He wants because i'm in agreement with Him. but i already know comparing yourself with others sneaks in pretty quickly. If you see one person hearing from God all the time and you arent experiencing Him in the same way or the same amount you can begin to doubt yourself or worse God's intentions. My aunt said this to me a while ago and i read it in my journal a couple days ago: "the world need who God is- in and through you uniquely. God has different ways of sharing Himself to others. each person is unique and necessary for the kingdom of heaven to be brought here. He's given us all different gifts. He loves each of us so personally and intensely. The spritual ladder of success dies when we once again die. We should never compare ourselves to others. We should encourage and work together using our different talents and giftings from God.

no offenses at humiliation: this one goes along with the fear of man one...because humiliation comes from others typically. theyre reactions create in us some sort of feeling. which could be humiliation. Jesus' life was filled with humiliation from others. His death was humiliation itself. Remember we have died on the cross with Him. that humiliation is already ours. no offense at it though for as Paul said "consider it PURE JOY whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking ANYTHING." James 1:2-4
So to realize its a joy to die to yourself and let Him shine through you is enough. more than enough.
Im beginning to embrace that my reward really isn't here. my eternal reward is what keeps me running this race.

So forgive me for my rambling for as I wrote this it was being anchored in my own heart.
His way was never said to be easy...just wonderful, good, rewarding, freeing, peaceful, joyful, and full of LIFE!
Peace to the heart of anyone who reads this!

"i see it now. you think times have lengths. a night is always a night whatever you do in it, as from this tree to that is always so many paces wether you take them quickly or slowly. i suppose that is true in a way. But the waves do not always come at equal distances. i see that you come from a wise world...if this is wise. i have never done it before-stepping out of life into the Alongside and looking at oneself living as if one were not alive. do they all do that in your world?"

       

mmm  reading this made me realize how true it is that we humans tend to live alongside life.

we must live within time but it should never control us. the present is all we have. taking it as one takes a wave...trusting the whole time that God is leading and loving us. this moment is God's moment. 

i dont want to live alongside my life anymore. it's time for us to ride the waves with our Savior.

He's waiting for us to accept the adventure at hand.  

manna cake

so im definitely in a new phase of life. 

one that most definitely tests my trust that God will provide my daily bread.

because i seem to see a cake a little distance off but He wants me to hunger for the

manna being sent from Him right now. Cake might seem a lot better to me but manna will truly

be the one thing that satisfies me currently. Heavenly bread that ive been hungering for my whole 

life. and now im receiving mass quantities of it. so why do i want the cake?

the cake im seeing is manna cake with pretty frosting.  its just not time for my stomach to digest the frosting yet : ) He's got it perfectly planned to where as i eat His manna it prepares me for manna cake. so currently i will dip His tasty manna into the delicious honey that comes with it.

did i not mention the honey? He's an abundant lover. He knows what the manna should taste like for me in every phase...every situation... Sometimes the manna comes with ranch too. Thats a completely different wonderful. He knows i love ranch. He's also excited with me for the moment i will enjoy the manna cake. that might have ranch on it too... im not sure.

in the little things...

okay i have a cool little story followed by a sales pitch.

 there is this sweet lady i work with named angie. she came up to me at work the other day and said she had just

read this book called The Shack and asked if id like to read it.

i was skeptical but when i read the back i thought well this could be good.

well i read it and wow. i haven't had God speak to me through a "fiction" book like that since i was

12 years old through a book called Blessed Child.

Seriously impacted my world. i came out from it more in wonder of my lover and savior.

i came out with a deeper feeling of loyalty and allegiance to Him. i came out altered once again. it was like God used the book to push me in deeper. and once again im so honored. i can only repsond this way because He moves me. He loves me. truly amazing.

back at work after i finished the book i went up to angie and said ummm thank you soo much. this book was

perfect timing. she kinda laughed and shook her head and said "oh good. yea...i didnt know why but i just felt like i should give it to you after i read it."

haha.

and this my friends...this nudging from the Lord to angie to give me the book...is just another little thing that makes my world. He's always in the little things. but they're bigger than little id say. 

so sales pitch: if you like to read story-like books. read The Shack and find out why i put fiction in quotes.

another book recommendation: Blessed Child. 

a renewed definition of comfort

people have always been the most important thing in my life.
dont get me wrong, they are still very important to me...but ive come to a new place of understanding on what that means. a new awareness of being.
i now realize that they are a gift from my God who knew it wasnt good for us to be alone.
you see when you take a compassion and love for people that God gives you and use it for your own comfort and survival things get bad. really bad.
they become idols. food. air. comfort to an extreme. and no one can live up to the standard of being air for someone. except all the while i was believing i could do it so why cant they?
interesting that i thought i could do God's job better when i had no food keeping me alive myself.
the declaration that "He is my portion" has become tattooed on my heart.
When the sun sets over the mountains, i always feel a tad bit of sadness to see the light go.
at this time i am most vulnerable to a lost feeling of comfort and the heaviness of loneliness.
all i want is a physical being to be my savior and pull me up back into the sun.
But now i see that His light has overcome the darkness. He comes closer in my moment of loneliness than any human ever could. He comforts me like i never imagined possible.
As i have begun to rely on only drinking from the "spring of living water", i am overwhelmed at the abundant blessing of truly loving people God has provided. Sometimes i forget He knows me better than i know myself...
He is my portion.
"so, also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 corinthians 1:5b

alteration.modification.transformation.

change.
truly the main thing that doesnt seem to flow naturally with my state of being.
to say i am uncomfortable with it is an understatement.
ironic that i owe my life to God for doing this very thing in me. the thing i despise the most.
radically transforming my thoughts on who He is and how He feels towards me.
now...i crave for the love of my life to never stop changing and molding me to look a bit more like Him.
really it just makes me laugh.
His timing. His consuming love that has caused my life to never look the same again.
and I am excited.