Tuesday, October 8, 2013

birthday blues

i miss my long hair again.

it's one of those days where i am longing for comfort, a sense of belonging.
long to feel known, safe, assured, and really really liked. not just loved...liked.
i am turning 27 soon, and while i love my birthday...sometimes too much...i want to be a kid again.

i want to go back in time where my whole world is inside one cul-de-sac.
go back to where playing with stuffed animals and barbies was enough for the day.
go back to being told what to do, when to go to bed, and feeling safe and controlled.
where we would get put to bed before the sun set and watch the bigger kids playing, longing for the day we could stay up late, drive, have a boyfriend, etc.
...you know cool, older kid stuff.

now i am an older kid, and i want to be back there.

it never leaves me alone.
longing for anywhere and anything i am not.
it's exhausting, frankly.
and i want it to die.
i want to know He is enough.
really know it.
so deep in my soul, it is undeniable.

He's promised to sustain me.
comfort me. love me. heal me.
help me. be enough. my bread. my water.
my everything.
so why do deny Him that role in my heart, mind, body, soul?
why do i drink from my own broken cisterns?
and starve myself once again?

the fall of mankind.
my own brokenness and need to hide my naked self behind leaves, branches, trees
keeps this cycle going.

so once again...

i lift my eyes up to the moutains
where does my help come from?
my help comes from the Lord,
maker of heaven and earth.

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