im a typically nice person.
but i noticed today that when i start to get confident in me at all:
i lose who i was meant to be.
my patience with people tends to be really low.
but im still nice.
i feel this rushed feeling of getting through conversations and interactions
only to rush through the next one.
yet im still nice.
i dont really want to be nice anymore.
i want to be the charlsey God created me to be.
where ive been nailed to the cross with Jesus and am a living, breathing vessel of LOVE.
love isnt just nice...
it's patient. kind. it doesn't envy. it doesn't boast. it isn't rude, proud, easily angered. it's not self seeking nor does it keep any record of wrongs. it rejoices with the truth and always protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres.
man a whole lot more than nice. and what i desire.
i can't do these things: be these things.
i can only be nice and smile on my own.
thats too skin deep now. i want to be soul deep.
how did i even let two days go by without being with the One that will fill me up with these things? that will abundantly pour His love into me that can only overflow into others...
i dont know. but i will remember this moment. where the disgust i feel for myself morphs into a passionate craving for the Love of my life to be all that i cannot.
i dont understant it all. but how lucky i am that all i need to do is die...
and once again be who i am meant to be.